Author Archives: Julie Kazimer

About Julie Kazimer

J.A. (Julie) Kazimer is a writer living in Denver, CO. Books include The Junkie Tales, The Body Dwellers, CURSES! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale, Holy Socks & Dirtier Demons, Dope Sick: A Love Story, SHANK, Froggy Style: A F***ed Up Fairy Tale, The Assassin's Heart, and The Fairyland Murders: A Deadly Ever After Mystery. Forthcoming novels include, The Assassin's Kiss.

Winning Advice from a LOSER

By J.A. (Julie) Kazimer

I’m a loser.

(Hey…even though I can’t see it, nodding in agreement is not very nice).

Let me change that a bit. I am a NaNoWriMo loser. A multiple one. I’ve played for five years, finally taking a break this year in order to keep my sanity. I’ve never won. Never came close unless you count 30k close.

For those who live under a rock, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month, which happens each November. A bunch of crazy people each writes a whole 50k novel in a month.  Yes, a WHOLE FREAKING NOVEL. Are these people crazy? Well, yes, they are writers so that’s a given.

However, these writers are also my heroes. Win or lose. Anyone willing to try and write a novel in a month deserves respect.

If you’re one of these crazy writers, I have some advice for ways to keep sane over the next month.

  • Don’t worry if you’re not on the road to a win. It’s not like you win a prize at the end (the web badge aside)…you know, other than satisfaction and self-fulfillment. Like that means anything in this business.
  • Even though it feels like everyone in the world is getting more words, don’t ever judge your count by others. We each have our own pace. Some people get to the saggy middle and hit a brick wall. Others run toward the end at full force, and after typing the end realize they have a steaming pile of NaNo. And others will hit 50k with a week to spare. Damn them. I, on the other hand, hit 50k about six full months later.
  • NaNo is the perfect time to try new things, to stretch your writerly muscle. Normally write vampire sagas? Why not try an action adventure cat story? Experiment. Be brave. Be reckless. Be the writer you were meant to be or at least copy someone you love.
  • Leave your expectations on October 31. While I hope you write the best novel ever, the odds are, in a month, the pace alone is going to make this novel less than perfect as a draft. We need time to dream; time to arrange plotlines and characterizations in our minds, to percolate on what comes next. That’s why we spend so much time staring at the ceiling not wearing pants. At least this is what I tell my family and friends. So after you hit your 50k, and are feeling damn good, take time to congratulate yourself and then put the novel away while your mind has a chance to mull it over.
  • Don’t rush to publish. December and January finds a mess (literally) of NaNo novels popping up on indie pub sites. While I respect indie publishing, there is something to be said for the amount of time traditional publishing takes. The process of editing and revision, cover design, copy editing, formatting and uploading takes time. I’m not suggesting you wait 2 years like a traditional publisher, just don’t hurry the needs of your work. Same goes for querying. Honor what you’ve accomplished by making it the best it can be.

I could list plenty other tidbits from the NaNo trenches, but you don’t have time to read them. You need to hit your word count. Heck, what are you even doing wasting time reading this?

If you’re participating in NaNo, please share your username and your word count so far. I’d love to see your progress, and maybe we can get a RMFW support group by friending each other.

Best of luck!

To all those who’ve served in the armed forces, thank you for your service on this Veteran’s Day.

 

Check out my website at www.jakazimer.com or friend me on facebook.

Sexy Nurse? Sexy Librarian? Sexy Serial Killer? Yeah, Maybe Not that Last One. Who Will You Be?

By J.A. (Julie) Kazimer

I love Halloween. Who doesn’t? Free tooth decay and crazy people in and out of costumes. What more could you want?

Though I stopped (thanks to a restraining order) dressing up myself, my pups must suffer playing dress up. Yes, it’s mean. Yes, they hate it. And YES I love every minute of torturing them. That’s what they get for getting to sleep on the bed 365 days a year.

Since I became a published author (2010), I started using my main characters of whatever book I am writing as the pups’ costumes. My pups are Bodie (a Weimaraner who’s 12) and Killer (a small, short-legged mutt of something or other who just turned 3). This year’s theme is Little Boy Blue (which Bodie will be playing since he’s senior dog and gets the good roles) and The Tooth Fairy (poor Killer hates his wings and tutu. Thinks it’s emasculating. Go figure) I honor of The Fairyland Murders, releasing in December in case I haven’t mentioned it a time or two.

I’ll post photos on facebook as that’s part of the torture too.

In the meantime, check out some other literary Halloween animal fun!

See the photos by friending me on facebook!

Publishing, The Avenue of Broken Dreams: Getting Back to the Basics

By J.A. (Julie) Kazimer

Being an author is awesome.

That being said, it can also be humbling as hell. I learned this very lesson this past week. I was wearing a smile from ear to ear after receiving a royalty check for The Assassin’s Heart. Then WHAM! I taught a class at the Thornton Recreation Center on Saturday, and once again realized the truth.

Being an author is hard. (Yes, please cue the world’s tiniest violin music).

The people in the class were great. Don’t get me wrong. I love writers in all shapes, sizes, ages, genres and point in their journey. Teaching workshops is one of the things I like best other than the actual writing part of being an author (okay, I hate the writing part but I love, love, love the have written part). These students were interested and excited to learn about publishing…

Then I started speaking…

And their excitement started to wane. Their eyes grew watery with unshed dreams of author riches. And I knew I’d just destroy a roomful of peoples’ publishing dreams.

Crap.

Had I been in the business too long to remember what it was like to dream of cross the country (paid for by your publisher) book tours like those Richard Castle has? Had the glow of seeing my first book in a bookstore dimmed? Had I lost my innocent edge (For those of you who know me, no commentary on my innocence or lack thereof)?

I’d broken hearts. And I had no way to mend them.

Because, as anyone reading this blog knows, publishing is hard. Really hard. There is no easy answers. No right way. No magic beans. Hell, writing your first book is the easy part. It’s what happens in the trenches after typing the final word that makes or breaks a writer.

So yes, I crushed many dreams this weekend, and I feel bad for doing so.
I can only offer this to those hearts I’d broken.

Writing is worth it. Telling your unique story is inherently valuable (just maybe not in tons of cash money and world renowned fame or maybe it is? Who am I to say?).

I think everyone should write, whether they should publish is a different question. One you must answer for yourself after you receive your first, tenth, fifth, hundredth, and in my case thousandth rejection.

It’s not about how you start your publishing journey, but in how you live it daily.

And for me, right now, I’m going back to basics. To being excited when I type the end. To feeling the terror of a new release. To sharing with my readers my excitement for storytelling. And seeing the writerly possibilities in each day.

How about you? What does back to basics mean for you as a writer? How’s your publishing view?

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The JOY of THE END

By J.A. (Julie) Kazimer

Very few things in life can make me as happy as typing the last word on a manuscript. I’ve doThe Fairyland Murders_ebook (1)ne that 10 times so far. The last time being just last week as I finished up Book 2 in the Deadly After Ever series (Book 1, The Fairyland Murders, releases on December 8).

Now I just have to wait to see what my editor thinks. Which explains the burning in my stomach. The ringing in my ears. And the desire to drink a whole lot of whiskey.

Waiting is the hardest part of being an author. We wait to finish a book. We wait to get better at our craft. We wait for agents to request pages. We wait for editors to get back to our agents. We wait for our contracts. We wait for cover art. For formatting. For our final page proofs.

Then we wait for the book to be released.

We wait for reviews to come in. And we wait for readers to fall in love with our characters. Then we wait again for royalty payments. Which a) is never enough and b) seem to take even longer to come my way than it took to write the damn book.

But I’m used to the waiting game by now.

I don’t like it. But it’s part of the business.

The thing about all this waiting, other than the hemorrhoids, is the ability to take a moment to smell the roses. To appreciate what you’ve just accomplished. You WROTE an entire book. Know how many people think they can write a book? 80%.

Know how many people finish writing that book? Less than 10%.

You’ve achieved something with each chapter you write. And when you finish that book, you will know what I already do: Finishing a manuscript is the little death the French refer too.

Viva la THE END.

How many manuscripts have you finished? If you haven’t finished any, how close are you? How do you feel about typing The End?

 

Friend me on facebook (no, I won’t stalk you and yes, you probably will regret it), follow me on twitter at @jakazimer or learn more about me and my books at http://www.jakazimer.com.

5 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life: A Recap of the 2014 RMFW Conference

By J.A. (Julie) Kazimer

One of the things I learned this past weekend at the RMFW conference was how to draw your attention. Pat (my amazing, fabulous, awesome co-editor) and I had a brief discussion on blog headlines and titles. We decided and I’m thinking rightly so, not to cheat and lie to our readers with misleading headlines. That means, I must give you at least one way to improve your sex life. I’ll leave that to the end, so to keep your interest…

I had a great weekend at the conference. Colorado Gold is one of the top conferences around. Ask anyone. We had an array of workshops ranging from Body Language to How to Distribute Bodies…or was that books? Damn. I might need to rethink some things.

I learned a whole bunch. I always do at these things.

For example, Shannon Baker, our illustrious Writer of the Year, can sure hold her booze.

But that’s enough about Friday night other than to say, a good time was had by all. Thanks to Who Else Books (Nina and Ron) who hosted the booksigning with what seemed like a million authors. Too many books to choose from. Not a bad problem to have.

Saturday was a day filled with learning and, for me, that was learning from my workshop attendees. I did a Guerrilla Marketing session, and was amazed by the intelligence and insights of my fellow writers.

The banquet was a festive event with the winners of the CO Gold contest being revealed. The air was thick with tension as the names were called. Or was that the stench of author stink after a day of workshops? Either way, it was great to see the finalist and the winners enjoying the moment.

That was followed by the Rick Hanson Simile Contest, always the classiest of events. And this year didn’t disappoint. The night is much of a blur, but I do remember selfie and sphincter. Like I said, classy.

The night was capped off with a speech by the controversial Mark Coker of smashwords fame/infamy. Apparently Mark and Donald Maass won’t be lunching together anytime soon. Following his speech, there was an author reading. It was a fun event, and interesting to hear the variety of works. Carol Berg brought down the house with her short story from an upcoming anthology.

Sunday morning…well I missed most of it, having slept like the dead. But I did attend the iPAL and PAL meetings, which were, as always, informative. RMFW is a special organization and it’s all volunteers, who work their butts off, to make it so.

Susie Brooks did an awesome job this year, as did all the board, guest speakers, presenters, and volunteers. Though, what made this conference so special for me, were the 125 first time attendees. Everywhere you looked there was new blood. People excited to learn craft, to pitch to agents and editors, to be a part of a vibrant community like ours.

For those who attended this weekend, what was your favorite part? What did you learn? Did your pitch go well? Please share your experience. If you didn’t attend, we missed you and hope to see you next September.

Now, I promised one tip to improve your sex life, and that is…

 

Please friend me on facebook (as I’m very lonely) at https://www.facebook.com/JulieAKazimer.

You can also check me out (in a figurative sense) at www.jakazimer.com.

Oh, the People You’ll Meet

By J.A. (Julie) Kazimer

It’s conference time. In less than two weeks I’ll be joining a mess of fellow RMFW writers for the annual Colorado Gold Conference. Over the next week, you’ll get plenty of conference tips and how-to’s on this blog. Read them. Learn from others mistakes and triumphs. And most of all have a great time.

Today’s blog isn’t about conference going, but rather about the people you’ll meet along your publishing journey. The first conference I went to was in 2007. At these things you’ll meet plenty of other writers in very similar circumstances and places in their journey to publication. A bonus hardly anyone thinks about when faced with big-time agents and editors and the possibility of publication.

Don’t make the same mistake.

Yes, it is exciting and terrifying to meet with the gatekeepers who might hold your fate in their manicured hands. But these aren’t the most important people at a conference. Your fellow writers are. These are the people who will support your career in its various forms. These are the people who will provide reviews, blurbs, advice, and buy your books. These are the people you can call at 2am when you’re trapped in a scene or realized you killed off the wrong character 20 chapters ago.

In my 7 years attending RMFW’s conference, I’ve come to know a lot of my fellow writers. Some with publishing deals that make me want to stab them with my desert fork (which is why the hotel often serves desert with a spoon) and others just starting out who think I’m cool because my books are in print (these one’s quickly realize their mistake, but I usually have them captured by spoon point by then).

Over the years I’ve been lucky enough to see the people I started out with (in roughly the same place in our journeys) achieved great things. I look forward to hearing their stories or knowing, if you try hard enough and don’t give up, you can be a working writer.

To those of you attending your first conference, welcome. And please make sure to stop me and say hello. I want to know your story. I want to feel your excitement. I want to suck it from your bone marrow like a vampire (which is the best way to stay in the industry).

For those of you who I’ve met before, thank you for sharing your stories, and being a part of what makes the CO Gold Conference fun.

Looking forward to seeing everyone!

If you have a moment, please friend me on facebook or visit my website at www.jakazimer.com.

5 Ways to Pick a Mystery Writer Out in a Crowd

By J.A. (Julie) Kazimer

In honor of mystery writer friend, Shannon Baker’s winning Writer of the Year for RMFW I’ve decided to offer some helpful tips to those needing a little help picking out a mystery writer when in a crowded room. This will be helpful in September during the Colorado Gold Conference, so take note!

5)  See that woman with the grey hair? Yep. She’s a mystery writer. In fact, most mystery writers I know are older women same as mystery readers. The bloodier the better for this blood-thirsty lot. That’s why we love them (and yes, I am one of them, I just use a lot of hair dye and lye to get rid of the bodies).

4)  See that guy twirling the end of his mustache? Nope, not a writer, just a serial killer, but if you look directly behind him to the woman unabashedly taking notes on his every move, yep, mystery writer.

3)  Ink and often blood stained hands.

2)  Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? A mystery writer will answer gun 98 out of 100 times. The other two times the answer is rope and penis.

1)  Any guy driving a Magnum PI car and wearing Hawaiian shirts outside Hawaii (Mario Acevedo and Tim Dorsey come to mind).

You’re welcome.

Any other ways you know of to determine if you have a mystery writer in your midst?

5 Things You Should NEVER Do in Fiction

By J.A. (Julie) Kazimer

Writers are given a lot of rules when we first start writing: Don’t change tense, don’t head-hop, don’t plagiarize the Bible… After awhile, we learn to pick and choose what rules are right for us and our work. But there are still some NEVER to be broken rules like those below:

5)  Kill a dog. Just don’t do it. Other animals are questionable decisions at best, but whack Fluffy, and there’s no coming back.

4)  Dare the reader to hate it. Yes, that’s right. Never, ever, dare your reader to hate your book or to put it down. Guess what? I’m not 5 any longer and can see right through your lame ass attempt at reverse psychology.

3)  Stand on your pulpit. If your book calls for political and/or religious views, fine. That’s well and good. Fiction is about what the book needs. But if you’re writing a spy thriller and suddenly I’m forced to read a passage about your viewpoint on building a fence around illegal aliens and I’ll stop reading right then. Never write to hear your own voice.

2)  Add characters to fulfill a quota. Unless that one armed, Jewish, lesbian sidekick is vital to the story, please don’t throw her in. She has a hard enough time playing catcher in her softball league.

1)  Follow the rules. If you want to kill a one-pawed, Jewish, lesbian canine stuck behind a electric fence with the Taco Bell dog, go ahead. I dare you. There are no absolutes when it comes to writing. Good advice on what people hate, sure, but if you dare to write it, then get on it.

How do you feel about ‘the rules’? Any no-no’s you can think of?

Death Becomes You: What Will Your Legacy Be?

By J.A. (Julie) Kazimer

I’m going blind.

The eye doctor told me this a few weeks ago. I have diabetic retinopathy which is basically uncontrolled bleeding behind my eyes from half a lifetime of having type 1 diabetes. Retinopathy leads to blindness. It might take a year, it might be five, ten, or twenty years.

There is no cure.

I will go blind.

(I’m not looking for sympathy, many others have it far worse. I’d like nothing more than to for you to read on because I feel like there’s a bigger point to be made).

Sadly, my first thought was, my career is over before it really started (I lie and say I’m an optimist when asked, but I come from a long line of Pollyanna-like pessimists).

And if my fate ends with not being able to write anymore (which it won’t since I plan to teach my seeing-eye dog how to type, so forgive me for any future novels begging for bones), what sort of legacy will my works leave?

What do my books say about me?

Better yet, what do your books say about you?

Scary thought, right?

Don’t get me wrong. I am proud of every book I’ve put into the world. I’ll freely admit some are better than others. Some suffered from my learning my craft. Some suffered from thinking I knew too much. Hell, in one book, and I won’t say which, I believed that using ‘said’, thanks to a bad critique group, was akin to publishing suicide. I only used it 939 times in 76 thousand word novel (Don’t try this at home; it will result in severe trauma). The book is published and available in ebook and trade paperback. I dare you to figure out which one it is.

But I’m talking less about craft and grammatical insanity than content. I wonder what sort of legacy my words leave in the world because there is immortality in your work. Even if you never publish a single word, it is forever alive.

As much as a part of me wishes to leave behind a legacy like Maya Angelou, who recently departed did, I know better. I am a genre writer, sometimes a good one, and sometimes bad. I love writing romance. I love writing mysteries. I loved writing F***ed Up Fairytales.

But I’m no Angelou.

I’m me.

And I will own my legacy.

And if we’re lucky, after we’re gone, we will have someone like Mark Stevens to convey our uniqueness with the rest of the world like Mark is doing with writer Gary Reilly. Also like RMFW does at every Colorado Gold conference when they honor Rick Hanson’s life’s work with contest where first place is usually a haiku’s using the word sphincter.

I think I’ll end this post here.

But I’d love to hear what sort of legacy you see for yourself, and what you wish your legacy could be? And if you could use the word sphincter, that would be great.

Orange is the New Black is Back So I Spent My Blog Writing Time Watching it…

By J.A. (Julie) Kazimer

My original post was going to be something very profound and enlightening, something that would make your writing career, and eventually put you at the NY Times Bestseller List, and then I started watching the 2nd season of Orange is the New Black…

If you haven’t seen Orange is the New Black, you really should, for your writerly sake. It is just plain, good storytelling. It can teach you a lot about characterization too. The story starts off about a young woman of privilege who ends up in prison for a crime she committed many years ago. But it grows into so much more as we see the world through the eyes of various inmates, in humorous, sometimes sad, gritty and grim, but very honest ways.

I LOVE this show for many reasons, the writing, the plot twists, but most of all for the characters, for each is deeper, and their stories sometimes horrible, but also entertaining. At the end of every episode, I feel for them. I carry them in my thoughts after the show is over. I embrace and connect with them.

All things we as writers want our audience to feel.

Then there’s the main character, Piper.

I hate her. Seriously can’t stand her.

But I continue to watch.

She is an anti-hero in the finest way.

I don’t like her, for she isn’t very likeable. She started off likeable, and I even felt sorry for her. Now I feel like stuffing her in a wood chipper.

Her choices are poor ones, resulting in causing others much pain.

And yet, I watch every episode, hoping things will be different. Hoping she’ll be redeemed in some way. Hoping for a happy ending, not for her, but for the sake of those around her.

Yes, I hate her.

But, like it or not, I connect with her.

Now I’m not suggesting you go and write crappy characters who I will hate. Nicolas Sparks fills that void for me just fine (Kidding, no Sparks’ related hate mail, please).

I’m merely pointing out, that every character is flawed in some way. Find those flaws, exploit them for your audience, show us who the character is beyond a description in the mirror (please, please don’t describe your character by having them look in the mirror; it’s been done a million times, by yours truly half of those times). Give your hero warts (not literal ones unless your heroine like to apply wart remover), and make us want to heal them.

This is perhaps most true when writing the antagonist. Too often we only show the antagonist’s flaws, his evilness. But to make a living, breathing bad guy, show us beyond his evil façade. Show us why he is the way he is, show us his humanity, and we will continue to read on.

Any of you watching season 2 of Orange is the New Black? What do you think? Care to defend Piper? Or anyone have another example of a great anti-hero, besides Hannibal Lector?