Driving for a Paycheck

I’ve finally figured it out! There are two signs on each car I drive seen only by Special Drivers. (Special, of course, meaning unusual, distinct, specific and obviously run-of-the-mill.)

I’m sure the sign on the front bumper says, “Pull immediately in front of me, proceed really, really slowly, and then wash your windshield.” The sign on the rear of the car has got to read, “Please tailgate.”

And don’t get me started on weekend traffic.

I’m not perfect, and I have vowed to change my ways: turning weaknesses into strengths like…say…cussing at, cursing, or calling other drivers dirty names. Currently, my employment involves driving various vehicles. I had almost made my nearly unachievable goal of being cuss-free for an entire week, but then...

Back up the truck to last Monday and find me buckled in, engine running and sitting at a stop light. With my own eyes I witness not one, not two, but three drivers speed past me and through the intersection—through the red light. What? Only one car was hit and it wasn’t mine. (I was happy as h*ll is hot about that.) Before I realized, words escaped over my tongue and between my lips for God and everyone with a window rolled down to hear. I called all three of the Special Drivers the same bad name.

Tuesday, different intersection and one car length ahead of me, a driver decides to change lanes. Oops—doesn’t see the car next to him. “D*mn, that’s gonna hurt.” The word blurted itself out of my mouth as though my voice had a brain of its own.

On Wednesday, I figured saying Sister and Brother to acknowledge the sobs are children of God too would be a good thing. Plus, and this is a big plus, instead of saying naughty words, I substituted good words. For instance, Sister Wad of Dip, Brother Adam Henry, Sister DS, Brother What are You Thinking? Are you thinking? Sister were you born (insert word of choice) or are you practicing for a contest? That kept the cussing away until a semi truck came inches from rear-ending my 2018 automobile.

Honestly, Thursday began with cussing. An oil truck, complete with a dirty, round tank, (one that either delivers clean auto oil or picks up used oil), was eastbound down Mt. Vernon hill. Rear brake (singular) was a-burnin’. I sped past that driver, who reminded me of a supervisor I once had—round and constantly smoking.

On that very Friday I created fictional—sort of—characters from dippy drivers I witnessed behind their wheels. Not one of my creatures received a dirty name! I know, b*tchin’, huh?

But I learned not all idiotic things happen while driving.

There I was delivering paperwork to the Jefferson County Courthouse (not my own). Alas, I was NOT in the now, not focused on the job at hand, head in an imagined book… I lost the one and only key to my employer’s new car. Wait—there’s more. Wearing out my shoes, I repeatedly raced to the parking lot to ensure the car was still there. The last time out, I ran into one of the sheriff’s deputies—he was on duty—Sh*t! Armor is stiff. In my defense, he stood on my side of the walkway.

I’m humbled now and mending my ways. However, I’ve enrolled in Cussing Anonymous because I still drive for a paycheck.

Why is it at least 60% of gray or white vehicles being driven in fog are done so without headlights on?

Why do people signal after they’ve changed lanes? Why do so many new vehicles have broken blinker bulbs? Why do blinkers not shut off after people have turned?

How in the world is it possible to read a Playboy Magazine and drive at the same time? (rhetorical question only)

I find my morning commute to work is indicative of the rest of the day.

When there are three lanes headed in the same direction, why can’t some drivers pick one—just one?

Rainey Hall
A Colorado native, Rainey (writing as L. Treloar), has been an RMFW member since 2012 (or so), and is happy to belong to one of the best critique groups ever: The 93rd Street Irregulars. She has self-published The Frozen Moose, is currently re-editing the first manuscript in a political thriller series, and has entered two contests with her 2016 NaNoWriMo historical fiction novella. In her spare time, she enjoys organizing anything from closets, to military family retreats, to rodeos and parades. Along with teaching her cat to retrieve, she volunteers at church and The Horse Protection League. With an associate degree in Applied Science/Land Surveying, she's learned she far prefers words over math.

6 thoughts on “Driving for a Paycheck

  1. Rainey, this post made me laugh out loud…and more than once. The frustrations of being on the road must be multiplied by a thousand if you’re out there all the time–it’s bad enough for those of us who just go grocery shopping or run an errand or two. I’m going to practice your “Sister/brother” name-calling technique (especially when the car window is open).

  2. Very entertaining slice-of-life tales from the front line, Rainey! Equally amusing is the paid ad that appears right now, just to the right of this comments section: “WHEN SH!T HAPPENS TURN IT INTO FERTILIZER.” (Really! It’s just to the right, LOL) You have succeeded, and made me laugh.

  3. Pat, thank you!

    I thought (once) today that perhaps, I was a bit too negative for this blog and about that time, I was stuck at THREE consecutive green lights behind other drivers that refused to move. Oh my, I’m dyin’, here!

    Okay, in their defense, the drivers may have been texting, and how happy I am–if so–that they weren’t driving.

  4. This is great. We writers need a “hey, wake up and see what’s happening to everyone else” moment now and then. I find the word “Moron” goes a long way with me and driving, especially when I try out a variety of accents. I also read somewhere that swearing at other drivers (from a safe distance, anyway) is healthy for you. Probably healthier for them than going postal, too. Anyway, thanks for the laugh and the reminder that s*it happens all day, every day, and we can use that when writing (so long as we don’t include ACTUAL names).

    • Terri,

      Love the idea about using different accents.

      I’m sure in my next manuscript there will be one character who drives…and whatever else the imagination can add.

      Thank you for your comment!

Comments are closed.