Green … by Rainey Hall

In kindergarten, my teacher read the class Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham. She then treated all of us to—you got it—ham, scrambled green eggs, fried green potatoes, green milk and green biscuits. Ah, those were the days.

That night after regurgitating green stuff, I swore off eating, touching and smelling anything that resembled mold. Ten years later, hunger summoned the courage to ingest green beans, lettuce and fresh peas.

Can you believe green-colored food and drink showed up again during my teen years? Do you know some people actually drink green beer? No. No, I don’t touch the stuff, green or otherwise. I’ve come to the conclusion people ingesting said color of beer must have had the same kindergarten teacher as me.

Here’s another thing about green: summer meadows with rainbows. I was actually at the end of a rainbow. No gold. No leprechauns. My big brothers finally noticed my disappointment and eagerly encouraged me to investigate the opposite end of the bow because, “You’re at the wrong end.” Bums! Foiled again by siblings, I learned two ends do not a pot of gold make.

Maybe that’s when I began writing as a form of therapy? But I digress.

Anyway, I was lucky enough to have been pinched only once when I accidentally-on purpose forgot to wear green to school on a bleak March 17th. Sort of an experiment gone haywire. Who made up that little gem of a game? With that one and only pinch and accompanying bruises, I promised myself, all my stuffed animals, and the family dog, Zipper, to wear green every day of the year. Since that day, I have never utilized pliers or wire cutters, or eaten crab and lobster. Of course being within close proximity of a Doberman is out of the question too. I can guess the capabilities of those K-9s.

Was Saint Patrick even Irish? Did he ever wear green clothing?

Corned beef and cabbage? At the risk of sounding like a spoiled American, are you kidding? I’ll stick with grass fed beef and carrots—both dishes lacking green. Speaking of cabbage, my grandmother used to make sauerkraut in the basement, (around the same time I was pinched, discovered the truth about rainbows and learned how the Grinch stole Christmas.) Amazing I can smell anything now, let alone eat Brussels sprouts.

Okay, here’s the point: how about a new March holiday like “Don’t Fly a Kite Because the Wind Will Rip It to Shreds Day”, or “Take Time to Smell the Celestial Blooms of Spring Hyacinths Day”, or “Irish Soldiers in the Civil War Day”, or “Irish Soda Bread—even though it may not have originated in Ireland—Day”, or “The Best Irish Authors of the 20th Century Day”. I’ve got a million suggestions.

Here’s to just a few (20th century) Irish authors—get it out of your mind—I have never been green with envy over, but have admired and enjoyed the wonderfully varied talents of:

Oscar Wilde

Bram Stoker

CS Lewis

Anne Enright

Jonathan Swift

If you have the opportunity, please visit irishtimes.com and check out an article written in ‘The Guardian’ by Justine Jordan on Irish authors.

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A Colorado native, Rainey, (writing as L. Treloar), has been a RMFW member since 2012 (or so), and is happy to belong to one of the best critique groups ever: The 93rd Street Irregulars. She has self-published The Frozen Moose, is currently re-editing the first manuscript in a political thriller series, and has entered two contests with her 2016 NaNoWriMo Historical Fiction novella. In her spare time, she enjoys organizing anything from closets, to military family retreats, to rodeos and parades. Along with teaching her cat to retrieve, she volunteers at church and The Horse Protection League. With an Associate degree in Applied Science/Land Surveying, she learned she far prefers words over math.

*The Frozen Moose, a short story is available on Barnes and Noble in e-book.

All you need is #love … by Rainey Hall

All you need is #love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
Charles Schulz

How exciting. That time of year where I buy my own chocolate, and one exotic looking flower.

However, unlike my cousin who fancies a direct line to 1-800-SEXPERT, I am truly in love with a real man.

The MOST important definitions of romantic:

adjective

• stressing or appealing to the emotions or imagination

noun

someone who is not realistic or practical (ouch)
• a writer, musician, or artist…

I guess I’ve known my guy for almost 20 years now. We were introduced by a mutual friend.

But alas, he doesn’t really exist.

Estoy en amor con un hombre que no existe. Je suis en amour avec un homme qui n’existe pas. Jag är kär i en man som inte finns. No matter which syllable the accent is on, nothing changes.

Who is this tall, strong, stranger?

#Ranger. He’s “walking sex,” wears the best smelling cologne, great with electronics, and rich enough to buy Stephanie Plum a new car all the time. And yes, he’s concerned about Rex, Stephanie’s hamster becoming an orphan. Long live sensitivity! Plus, I always fall for a man in a uniform, even if said uniform consists of 1) a taut T-shirt worn over well-developed bicep and pec muscles, 2) black PDU (patrol duty uniform), and 3) guns. Real guns.

Oh sure, there’s Morelli and well, you know what they say about Italians. The down side to Morelli? His grandma is always giving people “the eye.” Frightening enough that I opt out on choosing him to love.

Anyway, thank you, Janet #Evanovich for the 23 fun reads in the #StephaniePlum series although you leave me with mere memories and rereads of Ranger.

Yeah, you figured right. I’ve moved on to other men.

Jack #Reacher. Even though he has no uniform, he used to wear one. Besides, Reacher can tell time without a watch or clock, lives by intuition and isn’t in a contest for the most materialistic possessions one man can collect. He’s a man’s man. And a woman’s man. My man.

Gabriel #Oak. I thought my imagination outdid itself when I read Hardy’s 1874 classic, Far from the Madding Crowd. Then I saw the 2015 movie version. BE. STILL. MY. HEART. Those eyes! That face! That voice! That honesty and humor. That…that manly, outdoorsy, confident way about him. Sheesh!

(Excuse me, I need to taste a pound or two of chocolate and get some fresh air, but mostly cool air. Or cold.)

Hey, sex sells.

Moving on...

Oh, the sensuous tension that writers like Diana #Gabaldon (thanks Judith) creates. OOOO!

Since Ranger and Gabriel are reruns now, I’ve decided to invent yet another gentleman. My own guy. But to do so, I plan on attending the Colorado Gold Conference (September 8-10, 2017) to learn a thing or two from Diana!

Come on, pleeeeease share the names on your list of fictional hotties.

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A Colorado native, Rainey, (writing as L. Treloar), has been a RMFW member since 2012 (or so), and is happy to belong to one of the best critique groups ever: The 93rd Street Irregulars. She has self-published The Frozen Moose, is currently re-editing the first manuscript in a political thriller series, and has entered two contests with her 2016 NaNoWriMo Historical Fiction novella. In her spare time, she enjoys organizing anything from closets, to military family retreats, to rodeos and parades. Along with teaching her cat to retrieve, she volunteers at church and The Horse Protection League. With an Associate degree in Applied Science/Land Surveying, she learned she far prefers words over math.

*The Frozen Moose, a short story is available on Barnes and Noble in e-book.

A special thanks to #LindaHoward wherever you are. I hope all your designs were built.

#Procrastinate is the strangest verb … by Rainey Hall

procrastinate

1. transitive verb
to put off intentionally and habitually

2. intransitive verb
to put off intentionally the doing of something that should be done

Origin and Etymology of procrastinate

Latin procrastinatus, past participle of procrastinare, from pro- forward + crastinus of tomorrow, from cras tomorrow

In addition to the above Merriam Webster on-line definition, I suggest to be FEARful of, or UNcertain of how to do something may produce procrastination.

If you need excuses for procrastinating the day of your writing, please use the appropriately numbered item(s) below:

#1 How can I get anything done with such soft, cuddly, cute...well, just watch a few of those puppies and kittens on Facebook and YouTube! Note: That link takes you to 16 minutes of funny cat videos. You'll love it.

#2 Hello? Playoffs? Are you ready for some football?

#3 Tomorrow will be here soon enough.

#4 Good ideas escape me.

#5 I WILL write today. Seriously. I think. Maybe. Then again…

#6 Each time I attempt to write, my ears get cold. Conspiracy? Maybe.

#7 You think you can’t find the time to write?

Amateur author: Dinner took over thirteen hours to make last night!
Amateur therapist: Tell me what you did.
Amateur author: Looked for recipes on Pinterest-3 hours
Confirmed ingredients and directions on other websites-2.5 hours
Made a quick run to Sprouts to pick up missing ingredients-2.25 hours
Rush hour traffic-30 minutes
Quick conversation with neighbor-1 hour
Mixed ingredients while talking on phone-32 minutes
Baked-165 minutes
Burnt dinner somewhere between 65 and 165 minutes
Got takeout-1.5 hours

#8 Weather! (Leaves are changing colors/Snowflakes are falling/Flowers are blooming and insects are buzzing…)

Calving Season

Seriously, I met a fellow author at a poetry gathering who told the group, “During lambing, my husband had to rush to town for emergency supplies. (The trip would take him over an hour.) He asked me, ‘Will that give you enough time to write?’”

#9 My finger hurts.

Take any combination of the above and don’t call me in the morning.

#10 Was carried away with research.

Please see Jefferson County Sheriff’s report #CR17-2333957

#11 Not. My. Fault.

Warning: The following photo, taken April 30, 2016 may be too graphic for children’s authors

Friends don’t let friends procrastinate

#12 What if I spend time and effort on plotting, writing, and then editing but somebody else produces a better book than me?

Oh bother! See what I mean?

Of course, there will always be a plethora of authors—but not necessarily in your genre and with your style and never with the same extraordinary voice.

#13 Insert your own reason(s) here!

 

May your procrastination be fenced in, and your imagination have room to roam.

For serious procrastinators—or maybe your new favorite character—check out the below links:

The Organization Against Chronic Procrastination

Crazy for Procrastinating? Maybe | Psychology Today

Remember: Nobody is just like you—thank goodness—or nothing would get done.

*A special “Thank you!” to Randy at Barnes and Noble Booksellers, 14347 West Colfax Avenue Golden, CO 80401

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A Colorado native, Rainey, (writing as L. Treloar), has been a RMFW member since 2012 (or so), and is happy to belong to one of the best critique groups ever: The 93rd Street Irregulars. She has self-published The Frozen Moose, is currently re-editing the first manuscript in a political thriller series, and has entered two contests with her 2016 NaNoWriMo Historical Fiction novella. In her spare time, she enjoys organizing anything from closets, to military family retreats, to rodeos and parades. Along with teaching her cat to retrieve, she volunteers at church and The Horse Protection League. With an Associate degree in Applied Science/Land Surveying, she learned she far prefers words over math.

*The Frozen Moose, a short story is available on Barnes and Noble in e-book.

Give Your Characters a Sense of #Humor … by Rainey Hall

Just like a well-delivered one-liner, writers must have great timing and dynamics when their characters produce a sentence—or word—meant to be funny.

timing

noun
the ability to select the precise moment for doing something for optimum effect

Don’t forget—to show your character’s sense of humor—readers need to know the character’s usual personality, and/or the situation, that to most people, is serious.

In the following excerpts from my attempt at historical fiction, readers can see and feel the seriousness of the situation: (Please note, the passive voice is supposed to be passive.)

Today is the 23rd of October, 1861. My daughter and I are standing inside our home waiting for the preacher and his missus to arrive in their carriage to take us to the cemetery. Through the window, I study clouds surrounding the mountains, both which are practically a step away. The clouds seem as sorcerers brewing a storm, the first of the season. Several yellow and orange leaves cling to branches of aspen trees as if begging nature to stay the arctic frost, and let them live if for only one day more.

Then readers learn more about our protagonist and what is normal for her:

“She’s going to San Francisco,” I tell the elderly woman. (on the train) “Will you help her? Please?” I have never begged for anything, but as I kneel between my daughter and the woman, I clasp my hands together, searching the old woman’s eyes. The feeling, the situation is so very odd.

The set up:

Some moments later, I realize I am sitting on the ground. If more of my tears were to fall, they would practically create their own puddle.

The joke and in this case, the lesson:

A miner and his wife, new to the area…help me to my feet…Then he steps backward into a fairly fresh pile of horse manure. His wife holds her handkerchief over her nose. And then she giggles, almost unperceptively. Trying to hide his laughter, the miner snorts, steps out of the pile, and then wipes his boots in the dirt. He and his wife are now laughing quite loudly because, instead of cleaning his boots, the dry dirt only sticks to them, making an even bigger mess.

…I cannot help but chuckle. …But then laughter leaves my mouth before I can stop it. Perhaps I should be ashamed, but the moment reminds me what is the best medicine.

Okay, maybe you’re not busting a gut over this, but when the miner steps into manure and creates a bigger mess, all three characters laugh—allowing readers to laugh—thus lending a respite from grief.

dynamics

noun plural but singular or plural in construction
a pattern or process of change, growth, or activity; variation and contrast in force or intensity

The protagonist in my debut, *The Frozen Moose, a short story is a mess; such a mess she has planned her suicide.

The below scene shows her mindset, as well as a bit of her normal thought process:

My plan of self-elimination was simple. Winter was in full swing— International Skeptics Day, January, 13. The valley near the riverbed was coldest. I would simply freeze myself. Unsophisticated but effective….

…Then the phone rang.

Now we get a glimpse of our protagonist’s normal world and the set up:

The caller’s monotone worked well either as a sleeping aid or entertainment, dependent upon the subject matter. Halley, my social worker friend, “Hey, my dear…. “I’ve got a foster child. She’s been in eight homes in the last six years. I need you to care for her.”

The one-liner:

...“Pretend I’m Catholic, and it’s Lent.”

funny

adjective
affording light mirth and laughter; seeking or intended to amuse; differing from the ordinary in a suspicious, perplexing, quaint, or eccentric way

tundracomics.com

Check these sites for additional advice on writing funny:

Humor Writing for People Who Aren't Funny by Jeff Goins at The Write Practice.
The Secret of Writing Funny by Ghulam at Write to Done.
Comedy Writing: How to Be Funny -- an interview of humor writers by Scott Simon on npr.org

Give the gift of humor to your characters, but remember one man’s humor is another man’s white elephant gift.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Colorado native, Rainey, (writing as L. Treloar), has been a RMFW member since 2012 (or so), and is happy to belong to one of the best critique groups ever: The 93rd Street Irregulars. She has self-published The Frozen Moose, is currently re-editing the first manuscript in a political thriller series, and has entered two contests with her 2016 NaNoWriMo Historical Fiction novella. In her spare time, she enjoys organizing anything from closets, to military family retreats, to rodeos and parades. Along with teaching her cat to retrieve, she volunteers at church and The Horse Protection League. With an Associate degree in Applied Science/Land Surveying, she learned she far prefers words over math.

*The Frozen Moose, a short story is available on Barnes and Noble in e-book.

Getting to Know You: The RMFW Member Q&A Project

The Getting to Know You Project is intended to introduce RMFW members with short responses to three questions, a photo, and a few social media links if available. If you would like to participate in the project for future months, please email Pat Stoltey at blog@rmfw.org

F.P. (Frank) Dorchak

Website/blog: Runnin Off at the Mouth: https://fpdorchak.wordpress.com/ Reality Check: https://fpdorchakrealitycheck.wordpress.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/frank.dorchakiii
Twitter: https://twitter.com/fpdorchak
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/805034.F_P_Dorchak

GTKY2016_Frank Dorchak1. We know the who (that's you), so will you give us the what, why, when, where, and how you write?

I write gritty paranormal fiction. My novels are not monster-based fiction, but fiction that attempts to give a different spin on life...about everyday people who have “the weird” enter their lives. I portray a different perspective to what may actually be going on in the background of our lives. My older short stories have some monster-based stories (werewolves, cephalopods, shelves, clowns...), but in my newer work those are more like my novels: ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances that forever change their lives.

I write organically at oh-dark-thirty in my home office...no outlines. I do “reverse-outline”...I break out the beats of the story and create an outline from that. Manipulate as needed. Write a couple more drafts, read it out loud...give it to my up-and-coming proof reader/editor, Mandy Pratt. Input course corrections...read it again—go Indie. Try to convince wife I still exist. Begin the crazy again.

2. What is one fun thing few RMFW members know about you?

I’ve jumped out of an airplane a couple times. From altitude. Oh, yeah...with a parachute.

3. What is your most favorite non-writing activity, the one that gives you the greatest joy?

For a daily activity, weightlifting and cardio. It’s quite cathartic to “release the beast” in the weight room. But I love getting out and away...expanding my horizons and experiencing new places and things and concepts! Exempli gratia, I’d recently experienced floating and cryotherapy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Carolyn Fritz

Website: Bewitching Hips http://bewitchinghips.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/carolyn.fritz.3
Twitter: https://twitter.com/bewitchinghips

GTKY2016_Carolyn Fritz1. We know the who (that's you), so will you give us the what, why, when, where, and how you write?

I write mostly fantasy and steampunk fantasy. I also do some sci-fi. I like bringing inanimate objects to life and seeing what they do. I've always loved fantasy books, so writing it comes naturally. I write when I can, in short bursts after work, and longer on the weekends if I'm lucky, in a shared office with my fiance and the "help" of my cat, Sif.

2. What is one fun thing few RMFW members know about you?

I am a professional belly dancer, and have been dancing and performing for fifteen years. I started lessons on a dare and fell in love during my first class. I've performed mostly at fan conventions, including StarFest and MileHi Con, as well as at night clubs and weddings. I have an entire spare bedroom devoted to nothing but costumes and accessories for dance and cosplay.

3. What is your most favorite non-writing activity, the one that gives you the greatest joy?

I absolutely love gardening. The feel of dirt in my hands, caring for the plants, and reaping the harvest in the fall is amazing. If I'm not careful, I can get lost in the garden, only coming back to reality when the sunburn sets in!

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Rainey Hall

2016_Rainey Hall1. We know the who (that's you), so will you give us the what, why, when, where, and how you write?

I love to write thrillers—mixed with mystery, personified prose, similes, metaphors... You name it, I’ll toss it in; sort of how I make quick breads. I put words on paper anytime and anywhere I can. I believe writing, besides an outlet for my imagination, helps me process things I’ve learned, experienced, and witnessed.

2. What is one fun thing few RMFW members know about you?

Only one?
I park cars better backing than driving forward.
I love to play with my grandnephew and grandniece. Just the other day, Colt was flipping pretend food at me. And I caught everything in my mouth—except once. Boy howdy, that was a mess.
I’ll help, but I don’t like branding cattle.
My pen name is L. Treloar.

3. What is your most favorite non-writing activity, the one that gives you the greatest joy?

Only one?
Reading, cooking, photography, teaching, gardening, target practicing, training my cat to retrieve, HORSES, and animals in general. Cross-country skiing and deep sea fishing are pretty cool too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nathan Lowell

Website/blog: http://nathanlowell.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/nathan.o.lowell
Twitter: https://twitter.com/nlowell
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/1048167.Nathan_Lowell

GTKY2016_NathanLowell1. We know the who (that's you), so will you give us the what, why, when, where, and how you write?

I mostly write science fiction. I started reading it as soon as I was old enough to pick out the little rocket stickers on the spines in the elementary school library. Later, my Aunt Pat used to bring shopping bags full of paperbacks to the house and a lot of them were Ace Doubles. I'm a full-time writer, and a binge pantser. I spend almost all my time in a dark corner of my basement. I can write a novel in a month, but it can take half a year for it to percolate to the surface.

2. What is one fun thing few RMFW members know about you?

I used to be a fashion reporter for a style magazine in Second Life. I mostly wrote reviews of clubs and interviews with designers.

3. What is your most favorite non-writing activity, the one that gives you the greatest joy?

Cooking. I love food and preparing it.

Thanks to Frank, Carolyn, Rainey, and Nathan for vounteering. If you'd like to participate, for future months, contact me (Pat Stoltey) at blog@rmfw.org