I do it every damn time.
I keep thinking one of these days I’ll learn, but I never seem to.
In every single book, I hit a point where I’m completely and utterly convinced that it’s terrible. That THIS one is the book I’ll have to pull the plug on and admit to failure.
It doesn’t matter that pretty much every writer I’ve ever talked to says the same thing, I always feel alone in my despair. It also makes no difference for my brain to remind my heart that I do this on Every Single Book. With the luxury of hindsight, my published books all feel precious, wonderful and perfect. Like a woman who blanks out the pain of childbirth, I remember only the joy and wonder of the experience.
Never the angst.
I’m trying to keep this in mind right now, as UNDER HIS TOUCH, the second in my FALLING UNDER erotic romance trilogy releases next week (January 19!), even as I’m writing the third book, UNDER CONTRACT. I’m pretty sure UNDER CONTRACT is *terrible*. Each book in this trilogy has gotten darker and more emotional. I suspect readers will want to kill me with THIS one. I thought about not finishing. I really tried not to go some places in the story. None of that is working and I’m captive on this story train, hurtling to the bridge over the chasm that is surely destroyed.
Did I mention angst?
At the same time, I remember last summer, sitting on the patio and crying as I talked to one of my crit partners (CP) about writing UNDER HIS TOUCH. I was sure readers would hate me. I wanted to reel it back and didn’t seem to be able to. I thought I might not be able to finish it.
Yeah, she talked me out of my tree.
I screeched up to the deadline so my CPs and editor at Carina got the draft at the same time. So the CP comments and developmental edits arrived all at once. (My editor knew I was doing this and was fine with it, btw.) You know what?
They ALL loved it.
I was flabbergasted. Every single one of them gave me the fewest revision notes I’d received thus far. Unreal.
And fabulous.
Early reviews are great, too. A balm to my angsty soul.
I’m trying to remind myself of this, as I’m writing the book that ISN’T ANYWHERE NEARLY AS GOOD AS THAT ONE. In fact, it’s really quite awful. I’m doomed.
Why do we do this to ourselves???
I feel your pain, Jeffe! From our earlier times in the sandbox, I think we’re preoccupied with observing our fellow toddlers, seeing which toys they have and how they play with them, and comparing our toys and play with theirs. I think the biggest kindness we can show to ourselves is to harness those external observations as inspiration, instead of comparison. I admire your writing! 🙂
Thanks so much, Janet! That’s such a good take – to use that as inspiration. Otherwise we just angst ourselves to death…
Jeffe, I have the same problem. Here’s the catch: I didn’t experience it until I was a published author. Now that I have readers who count on me for a good read, I’m terrified that I’ll let them down.
I totally agree – the more you have excited readers anticipating the next book, the worse the anxiety! We need a drug for this!
Precisely how I feel going into 2015. I can’t shake the negative feelings and need a pointy toed kick in the butt or something. Walking into my office is like walking into the dentists office. At this point, giving up writing and cleaning out out chicken coops sound like a better option.
Hmm. It sounds like maybe we should all just adjourn to the bar!
Me too, please.
See you there!
I think Ira Glass pegs it in his video on the creative process. Even though he speaks to beginners in it, this dogs us every step of the way: http://youtu.be/PbC4gqZGPSY
When I write, sometimes all I see is how far it falls short of what I want it to be, not what I’ve accomplished.
I do love that observation of his and I think it’s so accurate. I don’t know if I feel it falls short. In fact, when my books are done, I rarely feel this way. It seems to be a mid-process crisis for me. Maybe a necessary one?
At least for me, mid-project is when I’m most painfully aware of what I want it to be. By the end, I’m usually happy with it after putting the work into it.
Yes – I think that’s my pattern, too. Good point.