Here’s one of my favorite scenes from the Queen of DEEP POV, Suzanne Brockmann.
Love being deep in Max’s head as he reacts to sour milk while talking on the phone. Good stuff.
Suz could have said: Crap. Max looked at the milk carton and read the expiration date.
Suz could have said: He’d taken off his suit first thing upon arriving home, and thought that walking down to the convenience store on the corner…
Now that you’ve enjoyed a taste of great DEEP POV—along with the smell of sour milk and the sound of Rice Krispies that don’t care if the milk is even milk—it’s time to get to some more rules for DEEP POV.
Don’t use distancing words (also called filtering words).
These include phrases like:
He thought
She reflected
He guessed
She wondered
Who has written these? Me? Never? 😉
A few more examples:
He heard the door close.
Abigail fell forward and felt the cement of the sidewalk smack her palm.
She smelled the cake baking in the oven.
Bill saw them get out of the car and head straight for him. He felt his stomach clench.
She tasted dirt in her mouth.
He heard a door creak down the hall and froze in his tracks.
She smelled the burning bacon.
The cat’s fur felt silky beneath her fingertips.
He tasted bile.
Jane and Maura—anyone recognize these characters? I want to make it clear that I am in no way disparaging Tess Gerritsen. She’s a New York Times bestseller and writes wildly successful books. I guess part of the lesson here is you can be beloved by your readers even if you aren’t in DEEP POV.
So, here’s your assignment. Open your WIP and do a search for some of these distancing phrases. Then, see if you can rewrite from a deeper POV. (If you need to, channel the Queen. By the way, there are excerpts of all her books available here. I point you to the Tall, Dark and Dangerous series and the Troubleshooter series, but any of her books will show how she does DEEP.)
Take a few examples from your work, and share the before and after on the loop. Here’s mine—from my very first book. (Which, upon review, could use a major rewrite. But that’s not why we’re here.)
Original: He didn’t hear her until she opened the car door. Then he glanced over, nodded and returned to what he was doing. Wow! What a sight to start the day. He must still be on Eastern time, she thought as she pulled her Subaru out of the driveway. Either that or he was extremely dedicated to be out running this early his first morning here.
Rewrite: He didn’t hear her until she opened her car door. Then he glanced over, nodded and returned to what he was doing. Wow! What a sight to start the day. He must still be on Eastern time. Either that or he was extremely dedicated to be out running this early his first morning here.
Original: Again he was silent, but she didn’t know what else to say so she broke the eye contact and looked out into the rain. His state of undress was quite distracting. Normally all she had to contend with was his eyes. Is it hot out here or is it me? she thought as she waited for him to speak.
(A word about italics for thoughts: If you’re really inside the character’s head, you don’t need them, or the “she thought.” The italics slow down the reader.)
Rewrite: Again he was silent, but she didn’t know what else to say so she broke the eye contact and looked out into the rain. Him standing there half-dressed was totally distracting. Was it hot out here or was it her? She forced herself to wait for him to speak.
Original: Lauri had planned for Christmas Carol Karaoke and people lined up to sing. Jamie guessed that it was easier to sing Christmas carols since everyone would likely join in anyway.
Rewrite: Lauri had planned for Christmas Carol Karaoke and people lined up to sing. It was easier to sing Christmas carols since everyone would likely join in anyway.
Original: Unable to sleep, he opened his suitcase and pulled out the presents, tucking them under the tree. He guessed that he must have made too much noise when Madeline rushed into the room, her old green robe tied snugly around her, and threw herself into his arms.
Rewrite: Unable to sleep, he opened his suitcase and pulled out the presents, tucking them under the tree. He must have made too much noise. Madeline rushed into the room, her old green robe tied snugly around her, and threw herself into his arms.
Feel free to share your homework. We can all learn from it, and we promise not to judge—don’t we, Campers?
Cheers, Jax
I’ve been writing Deep POV since I picked up a copy of Suzanne Brockmann’s leaflet at my first RWA conference. However, when you’re deep in a character’s head, those filtering words can be needed when you’ve got 2 characters. Your POV character can’t know what the other character is seeing, thinking, feeling, etc., so using the occasional filtering words make sure you’re not head hopping.
Example from my current WIP: My POV character has asked another character a question. “She seemed to be considering it very carefully, her brow furrowed, her top teeth gnawing at her lower lip.”
I’m enjoying your craft blogs, Jax. Great way to streamline the narrative and stay in the POV character’s head.
Jax! Thank you, not that I’ll ever find a distancing phrase in my WIP. Oh wait, there is one. Three. Twenty-two. Bother.
Well presented info on deep pov.
I came across the following in my draft right after reading your post:
I thought there was no way I was going to fall asleep, and then I thought that last time I thought that, in the skeleton house, I had slept twelve hours.
Eek! Here’s the re-write, thanks to your lesson:
There was no way I was going to fall asleep. Although the last time I had thought that was in the house with the skeletons and there I had slept through an entire day.