By Kerry Schafer
“I’m a failure.”
“I suck.”
“I wish I were a better writer.”
“If only I were smarter/had more talent/had a different brain…”
Sound familiar?
Most of us humans are really good at beating ourselves up. As writers, I think we are even more adept at this fun and dangerous pastime than the average denizen of the human race. We say things to ourselves that would be considered abusive if we directed them at our partners or our children or our friends. And yet we say them to ourselves, over and over and over again.
Conjure up some of the things you routinely say to yourself when you haven’t lived up to your own (or somebody else’s) expectations. Even better, actually jot them down. I know time is precious and it takes a minute, but it’s worth the time to gain the awareness of the soundtrack playing out in your head.
Here’s one of mine. Every single time I check my email and there isn’t any (or there is only spam), or if nobody is talking to me on Facebook or Twitter at a given time, I catch these words running through my head and heart:
“Nobody loves me.”
If there’s no publishing news, this turns into, “My agent doesn’t love me. My editor hates the book.” Now, this is untrue and I know it. A lot of people care about me and have shown this over and over again. My agent is awesome and my editor is a dedicated professional who has done wonderful things for my novels. The truth is that the people in my world—family, friends, and publishing people–are busy doing many and varied things. They have lives.
The lack of activity on social media or in my Inbox has no direct association to the number of people in my world who care about me and my career. I know this. And when I catch those words running through my head I’ve learned to take immediate corrective action.
When I tell you I say this to myself, though, it’s sort of acceptable, right? A little human quirk. Yep, writers are like that. No big deal. We tend to sort of shrug and smile and acknowledge that yeah, we’re not as nice to ourselves as we could be. And then we keep right on with the self abuse.
Make no question about this: it is abuse.
Picture this. You and I are out for a drink or a cup of coffee, and I look at you across the table and say, “Nobody loves you.” As soon as I say these words out loud and direct them at another human being I’ve stopped being quirky and turned into a bitch. Especially if I follow up with some other gems like, “You’ve got no talent. I don’t know why you’re trying to write this novel because it’s totally beyond your grasp. Why don’t you just give up? You’re never going to succeed in publishing…”
At this point you’d be justified in throwing your drink in my face and never talking to me again.
Abuse is destructive. It does nothing toward inspiring creativity, motivating us toward goals, or becoming better human beings. And yet we go on, day after day, indulging ourselves in this litany of hateful commentary towards our selves. It’s time to stop it, people. We’ve gone on long enough. We need to be kind to ourselves, encourage ourselves, motivate ourselves to be the best writers we can be.
For some of us that’s a very difficult thing and some time talking to a good counselor might be in order. Since I actually am a counselor and have spent a lot of time working with clients on this issue, I’m offering five tips to get you started on changing the way you talk to yourself.
Try this:
1. If you skipped the opportunity to write down your negative self talk, take a few minutes to do it now and then come back here. Done? Good job.
2. Now imagine that you are talking to somebody you love and value. Choose somebody who matters to you. A writer friend. Your child. Your lover. Image their face as clearly as you can, and now picture yourself saying these things to them.
3. Shift the self talk into something positive that you would actually say to somebody you were trying to encourage. (I suggest that you do write this down. There is something in the physical act of putting those words on paper that helps us rewire our brains.)
Example: “If only I had more talent…” might change to “I am working every day on mastering my craft and learning new skills.”
“I’m never going to succeed in publishing” might shift to, “I’m going to write the best book I can. And then I’m going to write another one. The more I write and the more I hone my skills, the more likely it is that I will succeed.”
Take the time to shift every one of the abusive self statements you wrote down earlier.
4. Monitor your thoughts. These patterns of self talk are engrained and don’t just magically go away. Watch for them. When you have a sinking feeling of doom and gloom, check what’s playing in your head and change the station.
5. Adopt a zero tolerance policy for self abusive thinking. Just don’t allow it. When you catch yourself doing it, make yourself stop. Make the shift to something positive. Have some compassion for yourself, as you do for others.
Remember: you are stronger and braver than you believe yourself to be.
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Thanks, Kerry. This is an especially good post for me today.
Awesome post, Kerry. I actually laughed out loud at your ‘Nobody loves me’ thing because when I don’t get email I say “Nobody loves me, nobody cares”. And I’ve said it for so long now that it’s a running joke. But I like to think that’s a leftover phrase from when I used to be absolutely horrible to myself – saying all of those terrible things at the top of your post and more. Thank goodness, I realized what I was doing and made myself stop – for the most part. It’s hard to make it go away entirely when you’ve been doing it for most of your life. Thanks for helping others see their negative self-talk and realize how destructive can be. =o)
What a powerful idea! I imagined saying some of the abusive things I say to myself to a good friend, and it made me feel mean and sad. Thanks for the great tip!
It is pretty odd that we can be so supportive of our friends, especially those struggling with their writing projects, but be so hard on ourselves. I often say “I am my own worst enemy” and I guess it’s true.
How ingrained is this? What it really took for me to knock it off was not really buying in but recognizing that it’s just not productive. The energy spent self-flagellating doesn’t move anything along, so if I seriously want to get things done, I need to try a different tactic. Then I discover that of course, as elsewhere, kindness and generosity are generative forces, so not only are there fewer bruises but more that I want to happen is happening.
Great post today. I read a book a while back that said to imagine you are talking to a child. I can’t write is one of my pet sayings. I love what you said about I’m working every day to master new crafts and skills.
Wonderful post Kerry. Thank you so much for sharing.
Today I got six words that set me back for about an hour. And yes, I went through every phrase you mention above. So I worked on a different project for a bit, felt good about the changes and those six words aren’t haunting me at all. Thanks for the great advice and ideas.
Great advice, Kerry! I’ve read over and over again that you should get up in the morning and write, write, write, but I don’t know how authors do it. I have to sit down with a cup of coffee, a bowl full of berries, and a notebook and spill out all the negative talk in my head before I can settle into a story.