The Angst

The angst.

There is a substantial possibility I’m of the rare variety of writer who harnesses performance anxiety into hyper-performance. There is a unique variation on a familiar saying: “Do what you love, and you’ll work super hard all the time with no separation or boundaries and also take everything extremely personal.” This statement is likely true for most and sounds like we are all gluttons for punishment. Even as I write this article, my fears, apprehensions, and insecurities bubble up into my pulse, my sweat glands, and my mind, which tells me my work for the RMFW blog better be perfect, or why bother?

I am an introvert (big revelation, I realize). However, if you’ve met me, you might perceive me as charismatic and not timid. I am quick with a joke and strive to make sure I include everyone in the conversation. Below the surface, I’ve rehearsed and calculated every scenario, because if I am not perfect at networking, why bother?

My favorite part of producing a novel is working the first draft. The surprises I give myself as the tale unravels are more entertaining than determining marketing costs. I liken the experience to flying. I am free—free from the worry of messing it up, getting it wrong, or being criticized. In the first draft, I lock down the logical, calculated, and proper part of my brain. This, like so many authors, is why I do what I do. The high gained from creating is why some writers will never publish, because outside this first draft is where the angst lies. When I take a crack at the second draft, I shift this part of my brain to a thunderous, “This is not perfect. Why do you even bother?”

A blur of frustration happens between the first draft and publishing, but this is not what I chose to write about. Kate Moretti gave a speech as the Colorado Gold Conference keynote speaker. Much of what she said stabbed me in the soul.

Our view of accomplishment is often overshadowed by our biggest achievements.

This was my interpretation of her message that night. I had been so busy jumping from each writerly milestone to the next big feat, I quit even celebrating any success that was smaller than my biggest achievement. After every invitation for an interview, five-star review, or book sold, I reached higher. I wracked my brain to figure out what other angle I should attack next. I investigated every DIY marketing tool I could get my hands on, because if I was not perfect at marketing, why bother?

Kate bared her heart about the overnight success of her first novel. She wrote with a newborn baby between sleepings and feedings. She never expected it to take off. Writing was her outlet, a passion that provided her with a purpose. She did not write to be famous, she wrote because crafting stories brought her joy.

My first big triumph was receiving an acquisitions editor’s request for my full manuscript. Signing my publishing contract was the second. When the ink dried, the dreams of grandeur started. Before I recognized it, I was swinging between milestones like a kid on the monkey bars, only looking at the glorious end of the line and failing to see that each bar supporting my full weight was an accomplishment. I went after the high that came with each recognition of my talent and confirmation of my place in the literary world.

We all have heard about changing negative self-talk to positive. Creating is challenging. We must exercise and study the technique of writing like artists do with woodworking, sculpting, and drawing. When I wrapped my fingers around my first big win, I switched my “Why bother?” self talk to “I’ll get even better.”

As I wrapped up the first draft of this article, I said, “If this is not perfect, I will make it better.” Then I plugged it into ProWritingAid and cried a little.

If I am not excellent at networking, I will create meaningful relationships with those who understand me. Those are the individuals I prefer to surround myself with, anyway.

First drafts are the messiest thing in my life (next to my office and desk). When it comes time for my second draft, I have tools, mentors, beta readers, and countless other resources to make it better, because the literary community loves to see others develop and succeed.

When my ambition is to sell 6,000 copies of my debut novel in the first week of release, yet I am two months away, have exhausted my social media platforms, and use every marketing ploy I can learn, I pause and recognize it is not up me to hack the Presidential Alert system so everyone in America knows to buy my book. I must stop and smell the roses because I. JUST. PUBLISHED. A. BOOK. I should be popping champagne with my husband and friends. So what if I am not the best at marketing? I can look back at my great accomplishment with pleasure knowing I created something from nothing.

Please, please do not be paralyzed by your own expectations. Slow down when you find yourself kicking the dirt in self-pity. I have failed a lot. I have had awkward interactions with influential people and been rejected for stories I suffered and drained my heart for. Look back at your latest triumph, and even if you managed to not overlook the win, go back and celebrate it again.