I have chronic depression. I was first diagnosed when I was 12 years old. I’ve fought it all my life, every day, to some degree. I’m on medication, and I’ve developed some good coping techniques. Most days are okay. Some are really good. And some are really bad.
I’ve been having more bad days lately. No surprise there. Almost everyone is struggling right now. But here’s one of the insidious things about depression. It robs you of motivation. “There’s no point in doing anything,” your brain tells you, “so why bother?” (Your depressed brain lies to you a lot.)
About 20 years ago, when I was going through a particularly heavy depression, I read a lot about it. I learned a lot about brain chemistry. (I hate chemistry.) I learned a lot about the reasons I might be depressed. (Hint: It has a lot to do with brain chemistry.) I didn’t learn a lot about how to manage my depression. Until I found a book that changed my life.
You’ve heard that a lot, right? “This book/movie/seminar/whatever changed my life!” Sometimes it’s exaggeration. But sometimes it’s the truth. In the first chapter of this book there was a sentence that explained my entire life to me.
“Depression never wants to do anything. Ever.”
(Yes, that’s still one sentence. “Ever” isn’t a complete sentence.)
And there it was. Why I had so much trouble getting anything done. Why I seldom even wanted to try.
I know now that I often can’t motivate myself to do something. So what do you do in that situation? You just do something. You pick up the toolbox and fix that leaky faucet. You make dinner. You live.
And now… you write. On November 1, 2016, I sat down at my computer to write a novel. Every morning my brain told me I couldn’t write 1,667 words that day. Every day I wrote that many, or more. I finished my book on November 25 with 55,250 words.
Depression can’t be cured. But it can be managed. Mostly. Sometimes things build up too much, you get hit with too many things at once, and it blasts right through your meds and your coping mechanisms. Like it has right now for me.
Isolation. Stress. Anger. Fear. They’re clustered around my brain, giving it more lies to tell me. I’m trying not to listen. Sometimes I tell it to shut up. Out loud. But I’m finding it harder and harder to sit down at the computer. Once I do put my hands on the keyboard, the words appear on the screen. Like when I finally got myself to start writing this article, the day before it’s due for publication. But it took a lot of effort to get here.
And on top of all that I’m wondering what to do with the new book I just started. The first chapter opens in a crowded bar. A friend comes up to the main character and they shake hands. Wait… does that work any more? What will someone think of that by the time I publish the book? Will a book written in 2020 now be historical fiction, part of a world that doesn’t exist any more? Or will it become a science fiction alternative history, where the pandemic never happened? Do I rewrite to bring it into the current time stream, and keep rewriting as things change? What happens to the romance angle in the book? What will romance even look like a year or two from now?
And my brain smiles and tells me, “See? Why even bother? Why don’t we see what’s on Netflix?”
I don’t know what will happen to that book. I many listen to my brain and not write it. Maybe I should stick to fantasy and science fiction, where I can control the entire world or universe.
But I’m not going to stop writing. Shut up, brain!
Oh, and that book that changed my life. “Get It Done When You’re Depressed: 50 Strategies for Keeping Your Life on Track”, by Julie A. Fast. If you suffer from depression, it’s worth a read. It just might change your life too.
And if there’s someone in your life who suffers from depression, I recommend “Talking to Depression: Simple Ways To Connect When Someone In Your Life Is Depressed”, by Claudia J. Strauss.
Hey brain! I just wrote something! And I think I’ll write something tomorrow too!
Great for you, Kurt!
Thanks for sharing this glimpse into your soul.
That’s motivation enough for my brain.
You’re welcome, Rainey. Keep writing!
Kurt, depression is serious. I recommend “Brain Maker: the power of gut microbes to heal and protect your brain” by David Perlmutter MD. Diet may be every bit as effective as physician prescribed medication. It’s safer and cheaper. But as always, check with your Doc.
Paul, I do watch my diet and try to eat healthy. I’ll look into the book, thanks for the recommendation.
I will definitely look into this book, Paul. I’m all about the mind/body connection.
Timely. Helpful. Other appropriate adjectives. Thanks, Kurt.
This is one of the times when we should ignore the writing “rule” that we should eliminate adverbs and adjectives. I’ll take all the appropriate ones you’ve got. Thanks!
Thanks for your honest sharing, Kurt. Like you, I know it personally. I’ve dealt with life-long depression and I work with depressed clients as a psychotherapist. It’s a challenge (to say the least). Thanks for the book recommendations. I’m always happy to share ideas if you ever want to get in touch.
Thanks, Lynda. I’ re-reading “Get It Done…” for probably the tenth time. Chapter 6. “Be Your Own Drill Sergeant”, is one of my favorites. My inner drill sergeant is Lou Gossett Jr from “An Office and a Gentleman”. I think I need to call him up.
“You think you’ve got what it takes to be a writer? Hit the keyboard and give me 2,000 words!”
Kurt, your post resonated so much with me. Thanks for sharing. Personally, my faith is what keeps me going. And still, some days are just so hard. The same voice whispers in my ear: “Why bother?”
But, we belong to a group of sensitive folks and this cruel hard world needs us. It needs our stories.
So, we must continue writing to them. It’s good to know that we’re all in this together to support one other.
Thanks, Andrea. The world does need stories more than ever now. They need distractions, and they need positive, encouraging words. My writing is usually pretty dark, so I don’t know how much encouragement I can contribute. I should probably focus on distractions.
Kurt,
Thanks for writing about depression and what you’ve done to motivate yourself. I have also had depression (plus anxiety) for most of my life. Bipolar disorder runs in my family.
I take two meds a day (Lexapro and Wellbutrin), but if I don’t exercise, I stay depressed. I have been unable to go to the rec center pool right now, but I’m trying to make myself walk outside. Not a lot of success yet.
I will check out the Julie A. Fast Get it Done book.
Congratulations on getting yourself to finish a book and starting another. Majorly impressed!
Alice Kober
Hi Alice. I suppose I should be thankful that I only have depression to deal with, LOL. Many people have to juggle a mix of conditions. My wife is bipolar, and also has panic disorder and OCD. Sometimes it’s hard to find an adult in the house.
There are a lot of exercises you can do in the home to give yourself some exercise. (Probably not swimming.) I’ve been working out with hand weights, and doing some good old fashioned calisthenics. It took me a while to find my weights in the chaos that is our garage, but until then I used canned beans. Bu the time I found my weights I was ready for my smallest 2-pound weights. Do some Internet searches and you’ll find a lot of options for your home workout routine.
Hi, Kurt,
Thanks for sharing your challenges. As Alice said, you worked past it and finished your book. Huzzah!
And you made deadline on your article. Very nice! I laughed about the canned beans. I sometimes substitute large bottles of water when traveling so I can complete my entire workout. I thought I was on the only one!
Hi, Janet. I’ve actually finished two books one 55k novel for NaNoWriMo 2016, and a 27K novella set in the same world. I’m trying to get the novella ready to publish this year. I’m starting to feel like I might be pulling out of the depression. The weather is warm enough that we can take walks outside now, and that’s helping a lot. (No, I don’t carry cans of beans with me on the walks.)
Ah, Kurt. Right now depression is probably the normal human condition. And for people who already struggle, this is a really dark era. Thank you for your honesty and your heartfelt advice. So many of us are struggling with purpose and forward momentum right now.
It’s not about depression, but you might benefit from a book called “The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles: by Steven Pressfield and Shawn Coyne. It’s all about how we self-sabotage our creativity. It’s old enough that your local library might own a copy.
Take care.
Thanks, Mary. “The War of Art” is available on Amazon in print and Kindle, and I just bought it. I’ve been reading a lot of fiction lately (instead of writing fiction), so it’s time for some craft books.